Neanderthal Man - The Hotlegs
(watch the video)
Who was the first person to fall in Love? Which pair of hairy cavemates was suddenly, inexplicably, without warning or the slightest preparation by prior experience, lifted by the momentous revolution: from scrabbling in the mud and feasting on their own fleas, to caring for nothing but the gaze of their lover's eyes and their deliciously brutish smell - not just security and familiarity, to their sensitive wild nostrils, but something of an entirely different dimension?
It surely came before communication could express anything more subtle than survival: sex - danger - warmth - food! They had no words other than variations of UG! - and none of the thousands of poets who came after to at least warn them of the possibility of such a cataclysmic and massively strange clubbing over the head.
Imagine! To have only ever experienced the simplest physical needs, and the most basic emotions necessary to supply them - and then to be thrown into the grand mystery of Love!
Never having experienced mystery before, and then to fall in Love! What is this breathless giddiness, how has my world been swept so abruptly from under my feet? What immense power crushes me one moment and fills me with the most brilliant sunshine the next?
For us, at least, the extreme shock is something we are aware of - language may not be able to reveal Love's full mystery, but it can alert us to its existence, tell us its name, give us comparisons, hints as to the size of its domain. Love is a devastating, powerful force for us - but it has a name. Ah! I am in 'Love!' WE are in 'Love!'
Though the new society we are building is the first to elevate Love to its rightful place as the basis of not just cultural, but political activities, it is a prerequisite of all civilisations that the act of falling in Love is important, well-known, and much talked-about. But poor, lucky cavelovers! From a world of beasts, dank forests, bones and rocks, to a world of Love!
Love is what elevated us from the animals and first expanded our existence from purely instinctual to that ruled by the heart... It clearly follows that our race of Lovers, who have always ruled by the heart far more than any others... is the most advanced of all humanity.
But we know that Love, however much a force for good, also has the capacity for great cruelty. What if our primal Love was unrequited? A young hunter's flaming desire for the biggest and most hirsute mammoth-killer's consort, cruelly ignored... he would have suffered triplefold. Not only by the well-known, earth-shattering angst of utter solitude and imprisonment, which our modern scientists have still failed to provide a cure for, not only by the terrible confusion of a mind totally unequipped to even to begin to understand the power of this new emotion - but worst, by the obvious lack of the one person who might have been able to help him, if just by proximity alone, cope with it... Our broken-hearted apeman must have surely been also the first suicide.
Although there is much anecdotal archaeological evidence for this theory, it is, of course, impossible to prove entirely. However, with much-intensified urgent efforts underway, there have been extremely exciting reports from our teams in the field. We hope to be able to announce, very shortly, the precise location of The Cave of First Love...
(There is one thing I do know... there's a lot of women in Mesopotamia - The B-52s)
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